Man to Vampire
by mysunwolf
Summary: Xander hangs out in Spike's crypt... and they talk. Not exactly the manliest of discussions, but a conversation all the same. Not time consistent with the seasons...


AN: HIIIIIII! This is a mini-rant that Spike and Xander have about Buffy and Angel, plus Spike makes a confession, and Xander kind of… runs.

Spike was not okay. In fact, he was pretty terrible. What with Angel back from LA, and Buffy back with him, he had no chance to stalk the slayer. Or Angel, for that matter. But Spike was flexible. If he couldn't be with Dru, Buffy, or even Angel, he'd… find someone else. And he wasn't any sort of a nancy-boy, for wanting to be with Angel. He and Angel had just been through some good times. Of course, Dru had been there then. Now it was just Spike, alone at last, without a soul but still unable to bite. And very jealous, as usual. So, he and Xander were having boy's night.

"So I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm doing hanging out with a vampire on a Friday night, instead of with my girlfriend in a closet somewhere," Xander said, flopping down on the couch in the middle of Spike's crypt.

"You're hangin' with me, mate, and what could be better!" Spike said half-heartedly, slapping Xander on the back.

"Ow…" Xander said, wincing.

"Er… yeah, well, I guess we're watching a movie then?"

"Right. So which movie would that be, Little Shop of Horrors? Dracula? Some other scary movie that I can't think of the name right now?"

"I thought you were bringin' the movie."

"Yeah? Well, I was under the impression that when you go hang out at someone's crypt, they're going to be providing the entertainment."

"Entertainment, right," Spike muttered, glancing around. "We could…"

"A behavior-controlled-vampire's idea of fun, let's see… torturing small animals?" Xander suggested, glaring at Spike.

"If I didn't have this bloody chip in my neck," Spike threatened. Then he sighed. "What's the point, anyhow? I should just go walk in the sun sometime, burst into flames and all that. Maybe that'll be fun." Spike collapsed on the couch next to Xander.

"Aw, has the little undead vampy-wampy lost the will to… uh… un-live?" Spike raised an eyebrow, and Xander shook his head. "Sorry about that one, it… sounded better in my head. Well, how does that work, anyway? A vampire doesn't generally just… kill themselves, right?"

"They also don't generally have chips in their necks that keep them from _enjoying_ their undead lives," Spike snarled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Are you… pouting? Because, that sure looks like pouting. No one told me that vampires pouted. And does killing count as enjoyment?"

"I'm special, and yes, it does," Spike growled, grinning. "Look, there's a microwave over there. Maybe you can entertain yourself."

"Oh sweet! How do you get electricity to this place?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Re-routing the wires… Could you get me a cup of pig's blood out of the fridge while you're at it?"

Xander looked back at him and just stared.

"Right, right, fine then, I'll get it myself," Spike snapped, getting up from the couch.

"You know, even if you did have a soul, you'd probably still be freaky," Xander said, opening the fridge. "Wow, let's see. Ladies and gentlemen, our choices are… beer, or blood! And I choose neither."

"Don't you ever shut up?" Spike snarled, reaching for one of the bags of pig blood. He poured it into a ceramic mug and put it in the microwave for a minute while Xander watched in horror.

"That's even more disgusting than a giant bug trying to mate with me," Xander said, staring at the microwave. "Can't you just eat a hamburger like anyone else?"

"Cooked meat? What do you think I am, some sort of… human?" Spike spat, and the microwave beeped. He took the pig's blood out and took a long drink before making a face. "Worse than a bloody warm beer."

"Y-eah... Well, as bad as that sounds, are you sure you have _nothing_ else in the way of snack food around here?"

"There're some crisps behind the microwave, if the rats haven't gotten them yet."

"Ooh, crisps…" Xander said expectantly, and then looked confused. "What are crisps?"

"Chips, you bloody American," Spike snarled. "You know, those things that are crispy? _Crisps_? Why bother to call them chips when you're bloody well gonna go and–"

"Spike? Shut up." Xander snatched the bag of chips from behind the microwave, and began the attempt to open it.

"Right, where's the slayer when you need her to open your crisps?" Spike said, sneering.

"Down, boy," Xander growled, and finally opened the bag.

"Sometimes, I forget how much I miss that slayer," Spike said, shaking his head.

"Better drink that blood while it's hot, blondie," Xander growled, going back to the couch to eat his chips. "Now I am _seriously_ not remembering why I agreed to this..." Xander paused, and glanced at Spike. "Oh, that's right! Now I remember. You threatened to come onto Buffy… _again_."

"Would you just chill out, mate?" Spike said, his mouth red with blood. "It's not like I can _kill_ her or anything, can I? I'll just be a good little vampire and hide out in my crypt all day and night while the slayer and her _I-have-a-soul_ boyfriend snog in the middle of the bloody graveyard, _of all places_! I mean, that girl, she needs a bloody sense of romance!"

"The vampire has a point," Xander said, and sighed.

"Look, all I'm saying is this." Spike put down his cup of blood and went to sit down beside Xander on the couch. "Don't you ever get pissed at slayer girl? I mean, she wears those _clothes_, but she acts all… _innocent_. She never makes any bloody _sense_. You know?"

"Oh, I know, believe me," Xander said. "I mean, we could have had so much! We could have been happy! But no, no happiness for Xander. Instead, Angel comes back, and Buffy falls right into his undead arms all over again! It's disgusting, I tell you."

"You're right, mate," Spike said, nodding. "Disgusting. A slayer and a vampire? That's like… well, it's like a slayer and a vampire! It's just plain wrong."

"Yeah, but what say do we have in it? None. Buffy does her own thing, cause, you know, she's Buffy. She's the slayer."

"Plus, Buffy and Angel are both lookers, on my list."

"_Lookers_? What decade–" Xander paused and stared. "Okay, wait. Did you just mention Angel?"

"Well, you've got to admit, he's one good-looking vampire. What with the lost-puppy act, and the soul, he's got quite a cute and fuzzy thing going, wouldn't you say?"

"Okay, pause here. And maybe rewind a few steps. Cute and fuzzy? Angel? Are we talking about the same vamp?"

"The one and only."

"I mean, I'll admit that he's… attractive. You know, to some… people. But there is–"

"Let's get this straight. See, just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I don't have _feelings_. And I find Angel very good-looking, and even with a soul, I'm sure he's pretty good in bed–"

"Ah! Don't say any more! I can't hear this! What is wrong with me?"

"You?" Spike asked, snorting. "Listen, mate, you've got it all wrong, it isn't always about–"

"This always happens to me! Can't everyone just go make their gay confessions to someone else? Why does it have to be me!"

"Oi!" Spike protested, rising to his feet. "I'm not sayin' I'm gay! It's, you know, a bi-sexual thing. Everyone likes a good bugger every–"

"I think I have to leave," Xander said quickly, glancing around the crypt. "I… forgot, that I have… homework. Tonight. _Now_."

Spike snorted. "You're going to go snog your girlfriend to reaffirm your manliness, aren't you?"

"Exactly," Xander said quickly, and ran out of the crypt, leaving the bag of crisps behind. Spike just smirked and went to get another mug of pig's blood.


End file.
